How many thousands of times have I read that line as part of How It Works (p58) in the Big Book? And I think about my relapses. All of them. Not just the “Went to treatment, white-knuckled it for a year and then ‘suddenly’ had a drink.” The relapses that I never considered to be relapses. Like the time I was challenged to not drink for 30 days. I did it. But I crossed each day off the calendar until I could drink again. Of course, I still used during that time. Couldn’t stop that for 30 days!
How many hundreds (thousands?) of times did I say to myself that night, or the next morning, “This has to end. Now.” But, of course, it didn’t. Or at the end of the work day, “Tonight, just tonight, I won’t stop by the grocery store for more booze.” Yet my car seemed to drive itself straight into the parking lot all by itself.
We often think we are at the “turning point”, but until we truly take full measures, rather than 1/2, or 3/4, or 1/3 -measures, we are bound to head back into the darkness that is addiction.
Was looking through my Spring hiking pictures and thought this series an appropriate metaphor regarding standing at the turning point – and what it really means when we stray from the light.
Stay in the light, or not? No. “I’ve got this!” Right? I’ll just go a few feet inside. Gotta see what it’s like.
Just a little farther. It will be ok. And who are “they” to tell me to stop, anyway!?
Uh-oh.
What are you going to do? How and where do you want to live? In the darkness and isolation? Or among the living?
